Getting Back Up Again: How a toxic work environment almost broke me…but didn’t.5 min read

I finally felt ready to write This time last year I was in a very different space, compared to where I am now.

Most of the world had gone into lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic. I still hadn’t found formal employment, and with the situation being what it was, it was not looking likely that I would do so any time soon.

That said, I wasn’t in a hurry to rush back into the corporate environment, as I was still reeling from what I had experienced at my previous workplace.

Towards the end of June 2020, I came across an article detailing a toxic work environment at a famous lifestyle magazine. By the time I finished reading it, you could have knocked me over with a feather: (see reference article here) : http://kanyindo.blogspot.com/?m=1 so many of the examples given by employees echoed precisely what I had been going through at about an experience that almost broke me and destroyed my self-esteem.

Nothing could have prepared me for the impact it had. As soon as the post was up on my blog, my phone was buzzing. My Twitter mentions were a mess, with thousands of retweets and comments. At least two people called me in tears, saying that they were going through the exact same thing and just needed someone to articulate what they were experiencing.

I couldn’t believe it. Having felt so alone and isolated in that situation, I had no idea that so many people were going through the same struggle. It was a real eye-opener, and completely evaporated the crippling fear I felt when I first sat down to write that article.

So how are things now, you may ask? Well, I still haven’t found formal employment, and the world is still dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic.

The past 8 months have not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. I have dealt with anxiety and bouts of depression. I have been interviewed for a couple of jobs and seen them go to someone else. Like millions of people around the world, I have lost family members to this dreadful virus.

That said, so many good things have happened, and I honestly have to be grateful for where I am now. I have learned so much about myself, and about others.

I have learned how important it is to speak up, because you never know who you are going to help. How certain experiences can cut across different walks of life. Never let anyone invalidate your experience because you could cause an unprecedented positive ripple effect by sharing your story.

And don’t get me started on the power of removing yourself from toxic environments! This doesn’t only apply to work: relationships, friendships, even Whatsapp groups. I have learned to trust my gut and recognize red flags. Self-preservation is key, my people.

Another thing I learned in these past few months is that my self-esteem had taken a serious beating. Being in a toxic environment can do that to you, even long after you have left it. I would shy away from certain opportunities, doubting my ability to succeed. Rejections after gruelling job interviews didn’t help. And, let’s be completely honest: seeing your peers succeed can knock you sideways, no matter how happy you are for them. It’s only natural.

But I have been continuously surprised and uplifted by people reaching out to work with me on different projects. Not only has it helped pay the bills, but it has reminded me of who I am. That I need to value my talent and experience as much as the people calling me for work. To quote one of my favourite artists, Lizzo, “I’m 100% THAT b****.”

A very dear friend of mine called to check on me one day. He had noticed that I had gone quiet, I wasn’t active on social media and I wasn’t responding to messages. I broke down and confessed that I hadn’t left my bed in 4 days. I couldn’t eat, I was simply unable to function and I did not know what I was going to do.

One of the things that stayed with me, from that very deep and illuminating conversation, is that we are all vulnerable to self-doubt. Every single one of us. Think of the person you admire the most. You think their talent is out of this world. You think their life is perfect. Hell, you even wish you could BE them. That very person you are imagining goes through crippling moments of self-doubt that you can’t even fathom.

My friend sent me a list of my achievements and made me promise to read it to myself every single day. “Siima, YOU did that,” he said. And yes. I did. After that conversation ended, I got up. And I’ve been getting up every day since, and trying my best to push through. It’s not easy, I still have dark days. But you know what? I’m still here.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: you are stronger than you think. There are parts of you that you may not even have discovered yet. There are things you are capable of that you may have never even considered. And there is always someone out there who believes in you, even when you cannot believe in yourself.

So again I say: Trust yourself. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Drink water, mind your business, and don’t let the bastards get you down.