“What is it like to be raised by a single parent?” In my case and most probably for many others, it is a question asked in reference to a mother. Others will ask, “what’s the most important thing your Mum has ever or ever told you?”
For some people, both questions can easily be answered and without much hesitation. But for others, including myself, the question may be as hard to answer as mother is to define. After all, how do you narrow down to one sentence the contribution of a woman with such wisdom and natural virtue and understanding and common sense?
Growing up, things were never easy. My father died when I was young, in nursery, leaving my mom with nothing but the responsibility of raising three children single-handedly. As a refugee in neighboring Uganda, I struggled so much to fit in with other children, most times I never admitted that I am an orphan. I never really understood why I should be one anyway.
Every time I was asked where my father is by my friends, I would tell them he traveled for work to Rwanda. I recall Christmas of 1994, it was especially hard because for the first time, Mom had to tell us that Dad wasn’t coming back. That image, sitting in our living room that was devoid of Christmas decorations (what was there to celebrate anyway), I recall how it hurt me so hard that I asked Mum if I could take on my father’s first name. I just didn’t want to let go.
In as much as it was hard on me, I can’t begin to imagine what my Mum was going through. Fast forward, life has happened in so many ways but guess who has never left my side, Mum. I can’t write down her impact on my life unless I write a series of articles but for today, I am going to write an ode to her.
Dear Mum,
I saw you work six days a week full-time and witnessed times you struggled and shed tears to provide for us. I saw you selling your belongings at discount prices to make some money and there were times when I you almost give up.
We were a close-knit band of three, walking side by side every step of the way. But I’d be lying if I claimed it was easy. Through it all, you rose above and beyond and gave us a life that was not only life enlightening, but also full of lessons, love and affection.
You are a legend in my eyes because of the absolute love you showed me and the advice you gave me. Got a problem?
I learnt that the nearest person is a mother. You always had the answer. And if you didn’t have the cure for my plight, you always had something in the medicine cabinet of your mind that would at least soothe the pain.
Through academics and sports, relationships and friendships, you have offered priceless counsel to us for every situation whether good or bad that we’ve found ourselves in.
And you, by your very nature, never stop teaching, never consider your baby boy too old, too educated, too successful to drop some old-school, down-home knowledge on him. Many times that knowledge came in the form of sayings that you always use, sayings that you have picked up from your parents, or through simply living life.
These sayings became a part of my life, words of wisdom that through the years have stayed fresh in my mind. From kindergarten to fatherhood, and every point in-between, I refer to these phrases time and time again to help me make it through the ups and downs and pitfalls of life.
You are the ultimate phrase flipper, clause constructor, the only person in the world who knows exactly what to say and when to say it. It is you that first told me that worrying never changed anything, because what’s done is done. And it is only because of you that we know how to take the bitter with the sweet, to never say never and that a will and a way are the ultimate running buddies.
You set me on the right path by encouraging me to set high standards for myself, but life really happens and if you’re Dean, it might come fast. Regardless, you raised me to be a winner, while at the same time, preparing me for our inevitable disappointments in life.
“Hope for the best but expect the worst” was one of your favorite sayings. “Impfubyi y’umvira murusaku” was another. Wherever you get them from is still a mystery. You gave me courage by telling me that if I ventured nothing, we would gain nothing, and that I would get out of life what I put into it.
You have taught me to keep a tight upper lip, a mind that’s open and flexible, a chin that is up, our head above ourselves, our nose to the core, our eyes on the prize, our moral sense clear and our friends close, but our enemies closer.
Through your words I have learned that it takes two to tango, one to know one, and that six of one is the same as a half-dozen of another. You have taught us not to change what is better for what is good, told to fight and be expensive and respectable, never put off until tomorrow what can be done today, and never bet our money on another man’s game. Oh, and your classic: “Never trouble trouble ‘til trouble troubles you.”
You are a genius in your own league. It is you that taught me that it’s easy to kick a person when he’s down, and easier to start something than to finish it. You told me that if I can’t say something nice, then I don’t say anything at all; if we couldn’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen; if we want something done right, then do it ourselves, and if we wanted to hit the mark, we must aim a little above it.
You taught me that every cloud has a silver lining, every person has his price, every picture tells a story, and every dog has its day. From your wit, we have learned to live and let live, to live and learn, and that sometimes it was good to just leave well enough alone and let sleeping dogs lie.
At some point, you suggested that I go back to the basics, go back to the drawing board, go back to square one, and go back to the odd job; not all at one time of course. With you, I know I can’t have my cake and eat it too, and that no one is going to give me anything. Or as you put it: “You’ve got to earn respect and earn things yourself.”
Although at the time and up-to-now some of your sayings sound like Chinese, it doesn’t matter. If you said or say it, it was and is the truth because you said it was.
And while we now know that life’s answers can’t always be found in a catchy phrase, the many sayings you expounded are just the unpretentious guidance I needed then when my problems were relatively simple and continue to appreciate now in our more complex world.
Your impact on my life can never be best described by anything other than through those words back then and up-to-now. These words, backed by actions have shaped who I am today, and although I have constantly fallen off the radar, you never tire to remind me what an incredible son I am, a loving human being you are proud to have raised and a doting father to her grandson.