Hi Masozera Africa, My name is Murungi Faith. I am a feminist, a digital content Creator, communications consultant and freelancer. I would like to share with you the inspiration behind my quote of
“Learning to look inward with grace and mercy”.
A bit of a back story; I have been a perfectionist and I have not given my self grace to grow or learn. For a very long time my pursuit of wanting to become a better version of my self has often left me injuring my self in the process with the words that I speak, with the thoughts that I think and with how I perceive my self mostly in a negative way.
Now, this has been something that has been going on for years and because of copy mechanisms and the different masks that I would wear when I walk into the room, you could swear am the most confident person in the room. But as growth has it, reflection, self awareness and therapy, facing the reality of how little or even oblivious I have been to who I am mostly very aware of my negative traits or my flaws and very blinded to the other things that make me.
Now don’t get me wrong; I have not been moving around thinking am stupid or would never amount to anything, not really. However, when the negativity wave would switch, I would definitely be my worst critic. It’s been so bad that I would not know how to take complements. If you complimented me, I would turn around in turns because I did not know what to do with it. I would turn around and ask you, “have you met your self ? I can’t be more beautiful than you’re” plus more statements like those.
And because this is something that has been around for a while it had become a part of me. I have always been looking at my self in the lenses of
“I need to get better at this“, “I need to fix this”, “I need to get this right “.
I have not given my self grace to falter, to make mistakes and recover from them, and to sometimes watch things fall apart and cry about it instead of trying to just fix everything. And so, I remember vividly the time when I wrote that quote, it was from a place of me reconciling with my me that has been very mean towards my self. You see, it’s very easy for people like me to be the most loving and we do that gladly because sometimes you hope that someone is going to come and feel your cup too. You’re hoping that someone is going to make you feel better and not a bad person. You’re also hoping that it will cover up for the work that you need to do and by that I mean being able to become comfortable in your me time, because there was a point in my life where I was a busybody. I would be here fixing this, doing that, rendering help and not in like a bad sense, but it was so uncomfortable for me to sit and face me because I didn’t love me.
However, thought that by nurturing a part of me that loves to be there for people then may be by some miracle that love would eventually just come and fix me.
So the time I wrote that quote, I realized that when I make mistakes and things go a stray, I can’t correct myself the same way I correct the people that I love without tearing me apart. I also realized that I can’t be able to hold my self accountable without tearing the little work , muscle, self confidence down. And with that, I have had to learn to be very deliberate around the jokes I crack about my self and the things I say about my self under my breath especially when they haven’t gone the way I want them to go.
I have learnt to be very honest about the struggles that I go through, but lovingly. This is because I noticed that I needed to give the same measure of love that I give to those around me to my self first. That way, I would be able to light another person’s candle not at my cost.
Looking inward lovingly with kindness defines understanding that you’re working in progress. It has taken me taking notes of the little wins and progresses that I make, how far I have come ,who I want to be, but most importantly hugging my negative side which is some times called the shadow side as I focus on the things that build me up.
So, I encourage you the next time you fail a test, do not whisper under your breath how stupid you’re. Acknowledge that you failed the test and remember that it does not make you any less valuable. I would also encourage you to not run into relationships because you’ll get more scars. Stop running from your self. Meet you and fall in love with you. Learn and grow the muscle of expressing the same kindness, chances, understanding that you extend to others to yourself too. You need it!
There is a quote that usually would disturb me the first time I heard of it that:
“You’re the LOVE that you seek”.
I was always like, wait what!!! This is so true because, if you do not learn to be comfortable and loving towards your humanity and frailty, then you’re bound to suffer from resentment, need for approval and applause from others. And that might expose you to being taken advantage of, especially by people who can smell insecurity and the absence of self love.
So my dear, I am rooting for you. It’s going to be tough and hard but remember, after everyone is gone, you only have YOU to face. So, fall in love with you and treat yourself right. And I will see you on this other side of “loving me kindly and wholesomely in a healthy manne” plus loving on your self enough to have love for everyone else but not at your cost.
All the best!