I may not know what you are going through, I might not understand the travails, the worries, the fears and terror that you have to overcome every morning, every day, every month and every year for you to wake up and keep on that journey.
I will never pretend to understand your journey at one point, I will not pretend to comprehend and internalize the pain and the scars you carry inside of you daily.
I am not an expert in emotional healing, not even close to that, I have got my broken pieces, I have got my scattered parts of life.
Look I am not here to lecture, nor to give you another reason to remember the covered wounds and that place of life you don’t want to open up to anybody.
No I am not for sure, I won’t even think about telling you sorry or even try to tell you that there is something you can do or anyone can do, I am not a motivational speaker, I am not any of the people you have ever met
I don’t know how to tell you it is well, or it is not; no I am not here for that either, I am not going to lie to you that any human anywhere will ever be able to understand you or comprehend what you are going through or went through
Well, I wish I could understand you though, I wish I was able to comprehend, I wish I was able to make you wake up and find out one person is well able to listen, hear and help you carry part of that burden unfortunately no one;
I don’t know if it’s your marriage, the loss of a loved one, the pain of rape, the agony of being misunderstood, the tears you have hid for ages, the silent nightmares you experience every time you go to bed that is eating you up, no expert can be able to understand you and I won’t try to do that either.
I am a broken vessel, I am a turtered piece, a cloth stained with blood, shame, regret, rejection, lost identity; I am all the above and beyond, so you see I don’t stand to know better
I have gone through a lonely dessert, a fearful past, a cold world of my own, sighing nights, I have been broken, I broke others, I have been rejected, I rejected others, I have been loved and I have loved but the pain was inestimable, was un-earthable, was unexplainable; I was misjudged, misunderstood, misinterpreted, misrepresented, misconceived even by my own and vice versa, I was given false hope and provided short term solutions, I used pain killers, I swallowed words, people spat words on me, they even forced words in my mouth, so you see I am not a better person than you sister.
I can’t pretend to understand how you overcame the suicidal thoughts, the self-deprivation, the self judgement, that self hatred ….. And maybe you still go through that.
So when I say, I don’t want to pretend, I know what I mean; at some point I was given false hope and provided short term consolation, given a hope of a future but my heart was still in shambles of regret, self-hate, self-rejection and self-sabotage; I took the journey alone, it’s lonely sister, that I am sure I understand.
I won’t pretend to tell you that my healing journey will be yours because we are different and we have met different shutters and therefore we must have different path towards our healing journey. I will try to share my journey and I am still on that journey today and it’s okay to be on the journey as long as you want because it’s your journey; not your friend’s, not your mother’s, not sister’s nor your colleague’s, it’s yours and you alone.
The reason that journey is yours is because in you there is an unlimited power to go through and not be burnt or should I say you get burnt but it doesn’t kill you, it’s a journey that in the face of the mirror is awful and difficult and complicated but you see you being here is a sign that you can go through it and survive it.
I took that journey and I survived it, I still live and cherish every moment of life because I made a decision to be alive. You can make the same decision irrespective of what you are going through now, you can find in you the strength to rise again and shine, you can actually stand up and raise the bar and leave above that place you are in now.
I am not saying you will wake up and stand up, it will require time, you will take baby steps and move to the place of restoration and life, but I wish you could make that decision beautiful! It’s a worth decision!
You see, your scars are the ones that you will turn into beauty, your pain will become the painkiller for another person’s pain, your courage will protect the future generation from going through that place, you can do it, you will do it and I see you doing it.
Now before I start to lecture you on how you should stand up and fight, I am not forgetting that some of you have already given up because you fought so hard until you gave up; for the hopes and dreams you had, for the future you very much wanted, for the life you ever wished to have, please try sister, stand up and fight one more time.
You see sisters; that monster/ that pain wanted you to be exactly like that; don’t give in to please them; stand up sister and live again; you can start by crawling, then stand, then walk, then run and shortly you will fly, shortly we all will fly; that’s what we are supposed to be doing, it’s what we are supposed to be striving towards; please strive sister, you can do it; please remember only you can make the decision to do it.
Along my journey of healing, I have found pain again and again through the wrong people, the wrong friends, the people who promised to hear me and they didn’t; I later realized none was actually going to help me until I stand up and dust myself; does it mean I am healed completely, no I still find the fear, I still get overwhelmed but I get overwhelmed forward, I still sometimes get the emotional fears, but I fear forward, I still feel the running, the abuse; they pop up, it’s okay, let them pop up but that no longer defines me; I am a transformed person, I can’t be defined by that anymore, I am on this journey and I am comfortable it’s my journey.
Now, my healing journey took me through a relationship that has made me who I am today, I found a relationship with Jesus Christ and that was the most amazing relationship; it gets better every day; I love the fact that he doesn’t actually judge, doesn’t condemn, doesn’t overlook the details of my pain; he has got everything provided for in the package of redemption; I am not here to preach to you, but how I wish you could find that relationship.
Healing isn’t easy; its floppy, its difficult, its draining; sometimes you feel drained, sometimes you give up and sometimes you want to move forward; these struggles keep in your mind and they might keep in for sometimes but take that step towards healing.
Surround yourself with the love and other beautiful souls that want to hear you out for your healing and me I found my people via the pages of the books plus one or two books I was able to read.
I want to tell you Jesus Christ and the books have a relationship; a strong one; they both have one thing in common; they can’t talk about you behind your back; yes, they can’t and they won’t.
So let me list a number of books that supported my healing and restorations process, like I said I am still on the journey.
1. “The Bible”
This book is filled with people who were shuttered, hopeless, ashamed, betrayed, destroyed and left alone with no hope at all; the story of the woman who was brought to be stoned spoke to me a lot and see how the loving and understanding Jesus came to her rescue. I found solace, I found healing, I found reasons to stand up and leave again. Like this story, so many stories in the bible carry both healing and delivering power to make you stand again.
2. “Satan Get lost”
By Bishop David Oyedepo.
3. “Holding on when you want to let go”
By Sheila Walsh.
4. “It’s okay not to be okay”
By Sheila Walsh.
Walsh in her two books; you find solace and comfort, as you read through the stories of the books; you learn to release your emotions and fears.
5. Suzy welch
“10-10-10 -10 minutes. 10 months, 10 years –“
I remember a Monday morning, walking into a bookstore and picking that book, wondering if it will actually hear me out. I picked it and I didn’t sleep till I finished the book. This taught me to take baby steps until I can stand firm.
6. “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”
By Stephen covey
7. “Woman though art loosed”
By Bishop TD Jakes
8. “Tuesdays with Morrie”
By Mitch
9. “The monk who sold his Ferrar”
by Robin sharma
10. “First steps to wealth”
By Dani Johnson
11. “No more sheets”
By Dr. Juanita Bynum II
12. “The subtle art of not giving a fuck” – Mark Manson
I am a product of books; I found healing and restoration at the fit of Jesus via books; I read the books, I practiced the books and they became my companion! Look I am known for eloquence, but when it comes to our past, both mistakes and what the world did to us; I sometimes become numb. In the books however, I can burry my head, laugh at my mistakes and take up a few or more things to create my next morning, next day, next month and next year.
I will share with you 5 lessons I leant from books;
1. I learnt that I can’t be alone and lonely at the same time; I need to be alone but with great minds that doesn’t judge me but that build me, lift me and take me to that place of exploration, love and self-healing
2. I learnt that you can actually rise above the storm by learning from people who were once broken and they have forged ahead and made decisions to walk in their path of life
3. I learnt the primary destroyer of self is not what they did to me and you; its allowing to stay at that place and mourn our lives to death or failure.
4. I learnt that the best revenge in life is to stand up and work towards your journey with love, laughter and joy which can’t be determined or dictated by the abusers or betrayers, whatever name you call them.
5. I learnt that whoever made it in life has actually been at some point in life at the bottom pit but they made a decision to move forward no matter their challenges and obstacles.
So sister you can actually stand up and walk into your glorious world; I am not saying it will be easy but I am saying it is possible. Sister you can make it if only you decide to always fail forward.
I love you, please do all of us who love you a favor, dust yourself, stand up!
