He was a grey haired piece of hotness that completely took my breath away, atleast at first it felt like that.
I was 15 and he was 42. I know what you are thinking, pervert, creep. But give my story a chance, don’t be too quick to judge. He was the closest thing to a friend and family I had. A man of boundaries and faith. An introverted soul. We met at church, I was the troubled teenager whose demons needed to be put down. My parents gave me little to no attention, they instead were always ready to make me someone else’s problem. That is something I had faced since I was a child and in many ways I had become quite comfortable with it and so when I was told I needed my demons cast out I was cool with it. “Sure, make me someone else’s problem Mum” I responded with a smile.
We arrived at church at around midday Saturday afternoon, we were told we needed to wait outside. My mum was uncomfortable and pacing and obviously wishing she was somewhere else and so I did what I always did, told her she should go I would be alright. She smiled and left. This was my life. The child she probably wishes she never had. I waited for atleast an hour before I could meet the man of God.
When the time came for me to finally enter the room, I was irritated already from the waiting, my impatient Mum and life in general. I opened the door and the first thing out of my mouth was, “can you ask God to take my life instead of my demons? They say you can ask God for anything”. He turned his sit facing my side, walked up to me and embraced me. It was a strange reaction, certainly not what I had expected. I guess I thought he would drop his jaw, or start casting out demons or even perhaps give me a long ungrateful child lecture. That kind of thing. But he didn’t!
That was the first real hug I had gotten in my life. A big genuine hug. I felt it in my bones. It was the first time I felt safe even if just for a few minutes. He offered a sit and asked if he could get me something to eat and drink. I know this sounds strange but that was some of the kindest words I had heard from a stranger. It was overwhelming, I started to cry. He didn’t seem bothered at all. He made a call to his secretary and requested for food, he wanted the order delivered right away. When he was done, he came back and sat next to me. His hand on my shoulder, eyes staring with kindness into mine. He asked my names and why I needed to see him. I couldn’t find the words and so I kept crying. He made me feel like it was ok, like he had all the time to listen.
After a while, the food was delivered. He served me and asked me to take my time. When I was done I told him I needed him to pray for me, he asked about what I needed help with. “Pray for my parents to love me” I said with a shaky voice. Suddenly, he was breathing hard and drying his tears. He said he was sorry and that hearing that broke his heart. He told me he had a daughter not many years younger than me and that it would kill him to think she felt the same about him. He hugged me and apologized for my parents. We prayed and soon he told his Secretary he was done for the day and drove me back home.
My parents were happy about his gesture, my mum seemed thrilled that the session went great or atleast she assumed so. The next day school was re-opening and I had to go back to boarding school. I was in high school at the time. To say I could not stop thinking about the man of God would be an understatement. He had written his contact on a piece of paper for me to call if I ever needed to talk. It felt like I had found the father I never heard. I called him every chance I got. Sometimes, we would talk about my classes and other times about overcoming my childhood trauma.
As months passed, our relationship grew stronger. I would visit him at church during holidays and soon he started coming to visit me at school. It was life changing. Just what I needed to heal. But life never happens to us the way we plan it. I started to develop feelings for him, my heart hurt when he forgot to call and the hugs sent my body shocks. I prayed away the feeling in vain. I hated the possibility of God revealing my feelings to him and I would loose what we had. I was determined to stop what I felt no matter what it took. But the more I tried the more I wanted him.
I was teenager, and he was the happily married pastor. A great father. I knew there was no way anything would happen and so I did what anyone would have done. I cut off communication. Weeks went by as I ignored his calls, claiming I was too sick to come out when he visited. Soon he stopped trying. When the holidays came I was as anxious because I knew it would be hard to avoid him.
As always my parents asked me to go to see him for a follow up session. This was normal for them. My heart racing and my thoughts all over the place, it was not pleasant but I made it through the door. He asked if he could hug me which I declined and he offered me a seat. He seemed very concerned. He asked what the problem was as he leaned in to hold my hand and kept getting closer. I just couldn’t take it. My teenage hormones were raging on and I guess it all got the best of me. I suddenly kissed him, he was surprised that much I could tell from his reaction. He leaned away but held into my hand. It was almost like he knew if he let go I would run out. That is exactly all I wanted to do. He asked if that was why I had cut off communication. He was not upset which I found odd. I kept apologizing and crying but he kept asking me to calm down and that everything was ok. All he wanted to know was why I was avoiding him.
I know I could write on about this moment forever, how scary and exciting kissing him finally felt, how his lips tasted and how badly I wanted to kiss him again but I guess there is a lot more to share. So long story short, I didn’t admit why I stayed away but it was obvious. He ended his day and drove me home.
The next day, he asked my Mum to send me in for a session. He said it was his turn to speak. He confessed that he too had feelings for me and that there was nothing to be ashamed of. He said spending that much time together only made us grow closer and that it could have happened to anyone. We held hands and he prayed repenting for both of us and asked for God’s Grace for us to move past what we felt for each other.
He sat back in his seat and wished me well. I found it new that he didn’t want to hug me goodbye and so I asked why and insisted if there was no reason to feel bad he hug me good bye and that our relationship should not change. He walked over, hugged me. I held onto him a minute longer. I could hear our hearts pacing and our breaths loud. He asked me to let go but I just couldn’t. For some reason I couldn’t. He kissed me and I kissed back. We were panting and sweating and just kept kissing.
To be continued…